Fear

   There is an Erwin McManis quote from his short films, Soul Cravings, that has really rocked my world recently. I'm not going to quote it correctly, but the gist of it is this: if your vision and dream for ministry doesn't scare the crap out of you, it isn't from God. 

   What McManis is trying to say here is that we limit God by our own fear. We shy away from those things which we find intimidating, thus settling on smaller dreams that we find doable. But really little plans also flow from unbelief, our unbelief that God can do things beyond our capabilities It's like we've made Philippians 4:13 our motto, but don't believe in it. I also like this to our unbelief in the power of prayer. I recently finished Beth Moore's Believing God. In it Beth had this quote about her prayer life (it is God's response to her prayers): "I sensed God saying 'My child, you believe Me for so little. Don't be so safe in the things you pray. Who are you trying to keep from looking foolish, Me or you?'" I hope that quote stings a little. We really do care more about saving our own face then believing God. I think this is why Christ says if we have the faith of a mustard seed we can move mountains, because so few of us actually have the faith of a mustard seed. We'd rather play it safe - in dreams, in goals, in prayer, in life. 

    Up until recently my dream for ministry was to plant a church in State College, PA to reach out to the marginalized in the church. I figured this was just a dream and that it probably wouldn't happen, especially since I saw time after time the struggle of someone close to me try to plant a church. Fast forward to yesterday, when a team of three of us which I am on launched Soul Cafe, an emergent church plant in State College for those searching for something but feel marginalized and hurt by the traditional church. 

    I am so excited for this plant. But that isn't the point of this post. The plant, combined with McManis' quote just showed me how little I dared to dream. How small of a box I put God in. I'm 21, not even in seminary yet, and my largest dream for my entire length of time in ministry has been realized. This is a problem. And as I've repented of how safe I played it with God and have been asking him to give me His vision for my life, a whole new, scary, HUGE, picture is emerging. It has a message that isn't going to be embraced by the traditional church easily. It is finding healing for those inside the walls of the church as well as inviting brokenness from the outside. It involves what I said I would never do. And it gets bigger everyday. And I fear its size, grandeur, and requirements.

    Let's pause and look back on the last 21 years. People are always envious of what I've done, where I've been. And that's hard for me. Because people hardly ever realize, that what they see as loftiness, is actually calculated. I have calculated the fear out of life. I have made plans A - Z. I am the type of person that not only has a rain plan but 5 more back ups to the rain plan. I think through every detail and every possible flaw and success. And may you be dealt with accordingly if you stand in my way. Do you see the problem in this? Every time I felt fear, it was something that needed to be squashed, or I took it to be God telling me to stop. So I just avoided anything that I couldn't plan for, like relationships, and took the fear that accompanied them to be a sign to avoid them. I took fear to be a warning sign and not a big green light.

    And this is not to say that fear is always a green light. It's really a yellow light. A "please pause and discern this with God" moment. Its your reminder that you need to submit everything, including fear, to God instead of assuming what it means.

    I even took the fear out of God. I reduced him to a "pocket size friend" instead of being in awe of his power and vastness and incomprehendiability. The church does this all the time. I was discussing with my friend Chris the other day why I hate the idea that "Jesus is my homeboy" because the Almighty whom we should fear healthily. We either only fear God's wrath or don't fear him at all. 

    Fast forward to the last couple of months. Sheer craziness. And in a great and profound way. I've been seeing the beauty of fear, the need to not plan, and the co-existence of fear and perfect peace. This is what healthy fear is, this unimaginable co-existence of peace with fear. When I was praying with a good friend of mine back in January we paused in the middle of our time together because something was bothering me. I asked her if it was possible to have perfect peace and have it be from Satan to deceive you instead of from God. Her answer shook me, it was no. Satan is not the giver of peace. And perfect peace cannot come from ourselves. It only comes from the Holy One. And she scripturally backed this all up. 

     I don't know if you have ever experienced perfect peace but it's profound. It's like this all consuming hug showing you that you don't have to worry. And right now that type of peace is co-existing in my life with fear. And it is glorious! I'm seeing for the first time the wonder of breaking out of molds and having complete freedom. Freedom from formulaic prayer. Freedom from plans (side note: this was something that was essential for me to realize before becoming a pastor), and freedom from expectations from others or their chastising that I am living in my own crazy dream. It's not my dream. This isn't what I would have chosen. It's FAR too grand. It's from God. And I will run after that fear one day at a time, living in the freedom of how big God is, glorifying him and singing Hallelujah each day!