Anger

The focus of my thoughts of the past week have been on anger. While I know some people are going to disagree, I am not really an angry person. I more often express emotions of hurt or sadness, but once in a while, if the hurt is really deep it comes across as anger to cover up my tears. But as I was discussing this the other day, I saw that my anger only beget more anger. That was a wake up call.

But I also think that the Church needs to get over its apathy and become angry at social injustice. I've decided that there is no such thing as a just war. If anger and violence only results in more anger and violence, then what is the point of war? Does it really end injustices and human oppression, because it doesn't seem to as we now approach our fifth year in Iraq. And I really think Jesus was far more creative then using violence against other human beings to reach out to the brokenness in the world. If we are to have the character of Christ, shouldn't this embody his creativity?

The idea was presented today that when we are angry at someone, they own us until we give up that anger. This seems odd at first, but its so true. When we are angry our thoughts dwell in one place and our life is consumed in thoughts of restitution. Does that mean Iraq owns us?

This is a huge test of my introverted nature


Does feeling uncomfortable mean that I fail miserably?

Character of Christ

As I was driving to Church today the car in front of me edged out of their lane and firmly placed themselves in the center of the right lane. I moved up to where they had previously been and prepared to turn at the next intersection. Then the car in front of me suddenly swerved back into the lane right where I was. And I swore. Keep in mind this is something that I rarely ever do. However, when a car almost side swiped me it came out.

And as I turned at my intersection, I was struck with a thought. In Spiritual Formations we have been discuss how 'What Would Jesus Do' is an irrelevant question. It just puts in the mind set to act like Jesus would in certain situations instead of discipling us to have the character of Jesus. We are not to make decisions like Christ, we are supposed to LIVE like Christ lived and then make decisions out of the character of Christ.

So the thought I had was, what would happen if Jesus lived today? What would his character look like? Would it be the same? For if he is God, he doesn't change. So therefore, even in fast paced society of almost getting hit by cars, Christ would have still been who he is. If this is true, then I should be able to have his character in today's society? What should my character look like?

"No one knows you anymore, you're lost inside the walls you built."

How do you balance self-doubt and arrogance? What does balance really look like?

Time

At school we have this third term in which you only take one or two classes for three weeks. I didn't think last year that I would be returning this year for a class and honestly I struggled with whether I really wanted to come. In the end I decided that it would be a good idea rather reluctantly.

So here I am, back at Houghton for another three weeks taking Spiritual Formations. I'm having some very mixed feelings about this class. It's an upper level theology class for minors and majors, but I'm the only major and by far have the most theology underneath my belt. I've also never had this teacher before and he just doesn't understand that you can mention on theological concept and my brain is going to make about five different connections that no one else would think of.

But these trials are trivial to the smack in the face that I got yesterday. We had to go on a two hour silent retreat where I realized that I have used time to constrain God. Here I am, God's creation using another one of his creations to put him inside of a box. The theme kept replicating throughout the day as I read Nouwen and we had chapel on Rob Bell's NOOMA series. I am not allowing God enough time to speak into my life.

I have always felt that it is a good thing that I am uber involved. Quit honestly, we have been raised to be overly involved kids. I cannot remember the last time that the three of us have not had different activities to be at, at least six days a week, and most of those were with or at the church. But I also know that since eighth grade I have used involvement as a crutch to avoid dealing with stuff that happens in my life. If you are busy enough then you just don't have to think about things; it seems like a productive use of time.

Yesterday I realized that by stretching myself so thin that I have missed a lot of opportunities to just be present and fully present at that, with God and his children. It is in there moments where my mind isn't thinking about what I should be doing or looking too far into the future that I see glimpses of God in people. It is also in those moments of being fully present that I can listen enough to hear the wisdom that God is trying to relay to me.

In short I have taken the blessings of drive and passion that are from God and have misused them. I ordered and controlled my life and my time to avoid pain, but caused some in the meantime.

I was also struck by the thought that I want this control in my life and over my time because I just don't think God cares or maybe I worry that he will give me the second best. This s so far from my concept of who God is that it looked irrational on the paper, yet that is how I feel. I think I have not expressed enough gratitude towards God for what I do have so I am having a hard time seeing the multitude of blessings.

I have no idea what to do with these issues of caring and time and being fully present and silence. I feel like God wants me on campus for Mayerm this summer as my wake up call. A reminder that I need to start getting some of this stuff together which I can only do through realizations and his grace.

Who is Your Sheperd?

When a group of people blindly follow the church or worse yet a charismatic pastor instead of Jesus, it will never end well.


This will not end well.