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My heart beats for love. I want to be different. I want to be who I am called to be. WORTHY and LOVED!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Almost There

Here we are at the end of the semester, and I'm ready to go home. Jesse spoke this word of wisdom into my life today when he said that the last 10% of anything (especially trips) is the hardest. I agree. I feel like we are all beginning to get on each other's last nerves, which is why it was great for me to get away for a few days to Jesse's.

I've been thinking a lot about community and family. I tend to not assimilate the two words, although some would argue that I do. Community, in its truest sense, is relationship, but family is this whole other thing, an intimacy that community can lack without being faulted all the time.

The other day we had our "Thanksgiving Feast" with HDU and the Australians and TK made the comment that we are family. No, we most certainly are not. I've had a really rough couple of weeks for this very long and complex reason and I can't share that with anyone here, well with one very large and obvious exception because I don't have that intimacy with people here, and quite honestly I don't want it if its what it appears to be. I hate shallow, yet that seems to be the goal of Houghton as a whole. Have as many friends as you can and then claim to have the support that a family offers. No. I refuse. Community is not the same as family.

Family is all up in each others business and has a right to be. Family loves unconditionally. Family helps shape who you are with Love and Truth and speaks worth into your life doing so. I realize that this isn't everyone's family, but it's mine, and thus I read it into the word family.

Friendships come in various shapes, forms, and sizes, the dearest for me of which is family. Someone who knows your heartbeat, sees your strengths and weaknesses, and loves you because God loves you. So no, this program isn't my family and I'm ready to go home to my real family, both biological and extended network of friends who care. I'm ready to go back to reality. I'm ready to go back where I can be loved for who I am and challenged towards who I should be instead of living in other people's false expectations that have done nothing but crush me this semester. It's time to go back to LOVE

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Experience

The semester is now coming to a close and I finally took the trip that I've been waiting for all semester. Yesterday, Shane and I went to Weribee (a little over an hour by from Kingsley) to go to a Mansion and the State Rose Garden. To some of you that will sound boring, but seriously I can think of no other place that I would have rather been at that time. It was totally worth the hour that we walked down to the shady dirt road to get from the train station to the complex and the cars that stopped and laughed at us along the way.

So here I sit still beaming after the day I had yesterday, but I have to stop and wonder why I haven't been this excited about the trips that HDU plans for us. In the past three weeks I've been to Wilson's Prom, rural Australia, and Tasmania - all of which were unique experiences that were worthy in their own right, but I'm excited about going to a garden. It seems a little unfair to the HDU program. And I don't really know why looking back I have valued one more then the other, but I did and I can't change that.

It's going to be interesting to see my reaction to the Great Ocean Road, which I'm going to two weekends in a row. This weekend I'm going with my church family (which I'm uber excited to spend the weekend with Dean and Roz) and then I'm going back the next weekend with HDU

Monday, November 12, 2007

HOME

"Your home is your heart; it's where you feel secure, you have your pleasures and your treasures - your family." - Marta Moro

Last week, when exploring the Melbourne Museum I ran across this quote on a tapestry and it spoke volumes to me. In less then a month, I will be going home and in ways I am beyond excited about that. But at the same time I have to leave part of my home - not Australia as a whole or even the city of Melbourne or Kingsley College, although they have changed me in different ways.

No, I'm leaving behind another part of home, in order to return to what I left, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Oh Houghton

We are in the middle of what has been deemed "hell month" at school. Really its just when all of the major assignments are due, the bulk of which are worth around 50% of your grade. So campus is a bit of a stressful place to be right now. And in the midst of all of the schoolwork craziness, I miss Houghton. A lot. I know, this is sad and I said it would never happen, but I miss the people who keep me sane, dinners with the girls, and the cafeteria. I also miss my carrel at the library more then words can describe, there is just something about having a space to call your own complete with a candy dish and tangle that makes life seem better. Here half of my stress is feeling like I have to constantly relocate myself or battle distractions. Not to mention that I now applaude the Houghton library on its vast array of sources after spending time at Kingsley. So all of this is to say that I'm tired and stressed and in need of prayer to make it though my last 2 and a half assignments while maintaining my sanity.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Epiphany

So I had an epiphany today. Some of you know, and most of you don't, that its been a rather rough semester for me for a variety of reasons, one of which is every time I go to class or turn around someone is telling me that being a pastor is useless. I have heard every attack imaginable: from God wants us to have a "real" job, to pastors have mis-interpreted scripture to think they should be supported by the church for their "ministry", to the church is failing so go into the secular world for a job. The idea being presented is still do all of the pastoral stuff but work a 40 hour job on top of that in order to stay connected to the world. And I've been struggling, especially after this past summer, to see the feasibility of that.

But then I went to Gatehouse (a safe house I hang out at for homeless, drug users, and prostitutes), after I had a serious of ugly thoughts during a class. At Gatehouse I had the opportunity to sit down for 2 hours and talk to Faye, the women who is essentially the heart and soul behind the house. Here I had an epiphany. I AM NOT made to fit into a mold. I don't fit into the current mold of what a pastor should be. And this new expectation for me to have two jobs is just another mold that I don't fit into. Yet, all semester I've been trying to make myself fit into that mold because people were telling me it is what's "correct". I wasn't listening to God. That is NOT what he's calling me to. I am who I am and God praises me for my individuality and uniqueness which he has gifted me with for a specific reason for the Church.