About Me

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My heart beats for love. I want to be different. I want to be who I am called to be. WORTHY and LOVED!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

July 2004
September 2005
November 2007
October 2009

Friday, October 23, 2009

hospitality

When we feel rushed for time, the first thing to go is hospitality towards one another. This though came barreling at at O'Hare airport today. My flight had been delayed for 2 hours. People were getting impatient and were trying to get the poor women at the desk to make the flight take off faster (1. - there wasn't a plane for us to get on and 2. - they don't control the weather). As a result, when the plane arrived and we could board, the women were so flustered that they skipped right over allowing parents with small children and elderly in need of special assistance on first.

What happened next broke my heart.

A mom was trying to juggle, her luggage, a stroller, a car seat, and 2 kids under the age of 3 by herself. She was in one of the last zones to get called, and the kids were obviously well past their nap times. As she tried to half push, half drag her caravan to the ticketing counter to scan her boarding passes, one of the women working the counter asked if she needed help. She sighed and said yes. Then the women working the counter just took the stroller from her (which one of the kids was in) and told her that she should have check it earlier.

Really? You forgot to give this woman extra time to load her caravan on to the plane and that was the best you could do? Scold her. But this woman working at the airline counter could just as easily be me - when I get flustered, when we get flustered, hospitality towards others is our last thought. We become so inward focus, or go into crisis mode, that we forget that we are called to show each other love, kindness, and respect.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Baptism and Ringwood

We were talking about the waters of baptism the other day in worship class. In concert, we watched a movie about mountain top removal. I was struck by the question - what does it mean if you are baptizing people in poisoned water? My first thought was about Ringwood, NJ, a town who's water has been poisoned. Their water for gardens, cooking, washing, and drinking is orange sludge. What do the waters of baptism mean to them? Where is the cleansing power of this water? Where are the living waters in an area where water only brings death?

Alter/ Altar Call

Last night I did something I haven't done for a while, I went to the altar. I usually pray at the altar during communion, but other then that some of my upbringing has made me leery of going up. However, the altar also has many good memories for me. Holding friends that were crying at the altar. Praying with another. Having moments of spiritual enlightenment. But I've been blocked from that for so long.
But last night I went to the alter. And God spoke, friends, very very clearly. I went up after a sermon that disturbed me. The sermon was on the lectionary gospel message about the Blind Man, Barthatmu. The preacher was making light of those suffering from homelessness and the lack of justice in an offensive way. So I went to the altar with grief, and left altered. I left with a radical message as I was confessing the bitterness in my heart about a huge issue that I'm having with ministry. And God said very tangibly to me, "Michelle this message is why you need to be in the pulpit - to cry my justice truthfully, not like this". This altar/alter call came on the tail end of a friend of mine telling me that she sees me being a famous justice person some day. Talk about shell shocked when I walked back. But when we go to the altar, our lives should be changed. Are we ready for that?

As Fast As Possible

The other day I was at a worship service run by a youth group. One of my favorite songs was sung, "Everything I Do". The song was sung several times with each time the speed increasing. At the end of the singing people were out of breath, and nothing stuck from the theology of the song. And I was left saddened.

How often do we go through the song of life, singing as fast as we can? It reminds me the story of the golden ball of string - were a young boy was given a ball of string that he could pull a bit and the time would go forward. When he got to the end of the ball, much earlier then his life should have ended, he realized that he missed all of the learning moments of beauty because he didn't want any of the hard moments. He sung his life song too fast.

What does it teach people theologically when we sing our songs of worship as fast as possible?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Tears

I started to grieve last night via an intense dream about something that I didn't think affected me. It was a deep reminder how interconnected we all are.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Blocking God

Sometimes I wonder about being busy. Often I know the laundry list of reasons I'm busy: trying to graduate in a timely manner and be affiliated with a conference that demands a lot, expectations of others, trying to apply my gifts and graces, running away and hiding, and trying to be a good friend all at the same time. But when I think of the reasons - especially the running away and hiding one, I wonder if really all I'm doing is blocking God by having too much on my plate. Balance has never been my strong suite. I can think of the awful way I felt in Australia, both from being in the midst of intense anxiety disorder with little to no support, an not having my coping mechanism of having something that demanded time and energy to pour my energy into. The same thing happened the following semester when I had to just take time off. However, there have also been times that I've been overly involved just so I don't have time to think - most of my time in high school and at Houghton, and it seems like this year of seminary as well. It's like I fear being still since 2007. What am I blocking God from doing in my life with my plate so full?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Show Me Your Hands

I'm taking a social justice and evangelism class with Len Sweet this semester. He often has these snippets of wisdom that he gives us (he calls them sound bites). By far my favorite was from earlier this semester. We were talking about the questions of examination when we get to Heaven and Len said that the question we will be asked by the Holy Three, Holy One is "Show me your hands. Are they wet and dirty?"

For some this may seem odd, but for me it makes perfect sense. If we have internalized our faith then it will lead us to action. For Christians this means being in the margins of society with those whom others have pushed aside. We will be fighting for life right alongside of them getting dirty in the process.

Yet, far too often this is not how I live, especially as a student. I feel that I do what I can, but its not enough. And I fear as a pastor that I will be in the same perdictament. Really this is why I love community organizing. You are right out there, fighting oppressive powers and living life with those on the margins. You are not a margin visitor, but a margin dweller. We are not called to be the active Body of Christ when we feel like it, rather we are called to continually and constantly be the body. But the church has become defined by four walls, and not out in the dirt in solidarity. Oh Church, show me your hands!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Death

A high school classmate recently took his life. As I sat back and have been reflecting on this experience, this single thought kept reoccurring: Death is more then the great equalizer - it puts everything into perspective, making things that seemed so important at the time trite.

I do not have many memories of this individual that stick out. But he was a true friend to a group of people I care deeply about, and I sense their grief across long stretches of distance. I worry about this group and pray that they find healing, within God's timing, for the action of their friend. One person from this group seems to particularly and publicly blame himself, wondering if his lack of being a "good friend" pushed this classmate and dear child of God to commit suicide.

Yet, I do have one memory. At high school prom - he and I helplessly watched as our respective dates attacked one another. I remember feeling sad for both he and I that we were caught in a situation that was not our fault or our battle to fight. That prom was one of the most intense and uncomfortable experiences of my high school career, but in the light of this classmates death, it means so little. A time that has somewhat defined my relationships with other people and has made me hesitant to be involved with others, seems like so little in the face of death.

I wish I could have told this classmate, that I felt his discomfort that night. That it was neither his nor my fault, even though we both blamed ourselves. And I wish that he could see how deeply his circle of friends cared for him, marked now by their unquenchable grief.

If only...

Tweeting: "Jesus is my Friend"

A few weeks back I tweeted the following question: "has claiming that "Jesus is our friend" given us a bad theology of friendship?"

I realize that both the Hebrew Scriptures and Gospel speak of God and Christ in terms of friendship. However, I am disturbed by the model of friendship that gives us. It's very close to the un-healthy model we see in Jonathan and David, where for all intents and purposes, David uses Jonathan and doesn't give him anything in return. The friendship is not reciprocal. The same can be said of Jesus; we ask Christ to give us things, but what do we do for Christ? Is such a model setting us up to abuse one another instead of being engaged in mutually blessing relationships?


"The Cross is in My Way!"

A few months ago, for matriculation, Dr. Davis was speaking about early missionary activity. As he was showing a slide show during chapel, he was not able to see the picture on the screen because of the suspended cross hanging from the ceiling between him and the projection screen. As a result he exclaimed "the cross is always in my way!" While the crowd roared with laughter, I couldn't help but smile at the theological truth of what he was saying.
The cross really is always in our way, and it should be. As a Christian, I should look at the cross and see the sacrifice of Christ, which should block me from doing things that don't reflect the Holy nature of the triune God. However, far too often, we close our eyes at the sight of the cross and blindly go our own way, not wanting anything to hinder us from doing as we please. Or sometimes we disobediently turn from the sight of the cross and run full speed the opposite direction, into sin, in an act of rebellion.
I hope that we can cry "the cross is always in my way!" not with frustration or remorse, as if it is keeping us from things that we desire, but rather joy, that it is protecting us from our own ignorance and selfishness.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Know Thy Congregation

Supervised Ministry Class has been driving me a bit crazy. Mostly because it seems like we are being taught in a manner that suggests that there is a "one size fits all" approach to ministry. So much for 10,ooo Doors my Methodist friends. : /

And this has been frustrating me a lot lately, especially since I don't particularly see how my call to bi-vocational ministry fits into the UMC process. I have been told repeatedly to either lie about my call or to just nix one part of it, but I feel that both approaches are unfaithful to God, thus I won't consider either of those suggestions (demands?) as viable options.
Donna put it well tonight when she said that it isn't that I don't fit into the box of ministry, but the ministry does not fit me. There truly is a difference. I need to know myself well enough and be firm enough in my call (which requires lots of prayer, guidance, and wisdom) in order to articulate the movement of God in my life.

I have also been perplexed by the generalizations made in Supervised Ministry class that seem to tell people "this is how local church ministry will be". I'm not really sure which local churches they are talking about, because the statements being made are not ones that resemble any of the churches I have served. We need to know our congregations well enough to know if the generalizations fit.

More over, we need to know our congregations in order to preach what is needed to bless people. If I don't know that the man in the second pew is going through a divorce, then I could slip up and say something that will harm him instead of bless him, especially if I am blocking the movement of the Spirit in any way.

Along with supervised ministry, ethics has been a bit of a challenge, especially since one of my classmates always pulls the "but what about pastoral confidentiality" card. Friends, I believe very little in confidentiality in the church, yet I still plan to abide by it. But let us remember that confidentiality was not a mark of the early church. People knew each other's most intimate stories. The church is not a place to keep secrets, but to expose our wounds to a community who cares about us in order to be blessed and healed. It is only out of our individualistic and therapy-centered culture that the idea of confidentiality has emerged.

Looking back at my own life, I can tell you that the times I have been hurt the most are when people made comments that were uncaring about situations in my life that I was struggling with, but had never told them about. Because I had kept secrets from my community they were not able to care for me, either in their words or actions. And the times I have hurt others the most were when I did not know to watch my words or speak words of life into their pain, because I didn't know that what I was speaking on was a struggle for them.

We are afraid to burden others with our troubles or to let others into the most intimate parts of our lives. It is sort of like one of my brothers not wanting to call my parents when he went to the hospital this weekend, because he didn't want to wake them up or worry them. How are we to bear each others burdens, if we do not share with one another what is going on?

When, O God, will we start to reveal ourselves to the community of the Church so the Body can care for each other the way You desired?

Expectations

"Always Joyful",
"Engaged in the lives of others",
"Deeply compassionate",
"Awesome",
"If she has, all will have" (ie she shares well),
"Gives thoughtful answers"...

If I could pick a theme of last week it would be words of encouragement. When I cooked my first Biblical feast, who should be there but one of my four beautiful roommates from Taize, who proudly introduced me to all of her missionary in training friends. Then the following Tuesday for 'prayer' time (what exactly qualifies as prayer? - that would be a good topic for a future post) we sat in a circle and had our classmates whisper words of encouragement into our ears.

But for me, the funny thing was that encouragement and expectations go hand in hand. When someone tells you what they admire about you, it often is coupled with who they expect you to be. They hope for a consistent action or way of being on your part. Which leads me to ask, what happens if you can't be that person for them all the time? While I know that some of the phrases above describe me, I also know that I will fail to fully live into all of them. I am going to have bad days and falter.

Part of a group discussion I have been having lately has been about the expectations that burden women, for whenever we "aren't acting right" (ie the way people expect us to act), we are asked 'what's wrong?', not from a place of general concern but instead as a way of being told to snap out of it and act according to what others expect, if not demand, from us. There is not room for a bad day.

So as blessed as I was by what people were saying about me, I was also deeply saddened as I thought about how often I do not live into those phrases and wondering if I was just setting myself up to disappoint them.