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My heart beats for love. I want to be different. I want to be who I am called to be. WORTHY and LOVED!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Does it really mean anything to say that Momma Church is a whore but we still love her? Because to the outside world, regardless of her birthing and raising us and the love that we show her, she is still just a whore. And by the world standards she has to be punished.
And maybe Mom does need to be punished - from the inside and not the out. Maybe she needs to be challenged and corrected in love but the people with the power to change her either don't care or are selling their souls as well - learning the trade from Momma.
Does it really matter if we love Mom if from the outside she is nothing more then a hypocrite - making promises she can't keep, not praying from her heart, praying as a cover up for selfish desires, confessing love but treating her children like crap, raising her children to be lukewarm and passionless, Teaching her children to conform to her religious standards AND the standards of the world because ironically they are entangled, not loving her neighbor, exploiting the poor for status purposes, not looking outside of herself, Worshiping Mammon under the false pretext that it is for God, Throwing around the word Christian to add validity to her lies, not knowing scripture, and not worshiping God unless for personal gain. Do we still Love mom in spite of this? I think we have to. But since when is love silent? Does our love make it alright for other people to be turned off by Mom because they see her turning tricks at the corner in the name of Jesus and they see something VERY wrong with that? Shouldn't we see something wrong with that?
Maybe we need to look at the church from the outside in order to revolutionize her from the inside - because sometimes love is blind instead of edifying and challenging towards growth

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Compartmentalization

Last semester I was reamed out for compartmentalizing my life. This semester I choose to slow down (and by choose I also mean semi-forced) in an attempt to break down the walls I have erected and let my life be lived in a whole manner - unsegregated.

I'm not sure if its the stress of writing 100+ pages before the end of the semester, or grad school search not going well, or leaving for Russia, or it sinking in that I'm leaving Houghton, or saying goodbye to one of my closest friends on campus, but I have such a desire to put everything back into its proper place - back into its compartment where I can deal with it.

So do I tidy things back up into the compartments or do I just acknowledge the mess?

Monday, March 26, 2007

How do you say goodbye?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Laughter and Smiles

I think we get so used to calling out to God for guidance and direction and healing in the hard times we forget that He created laughter, smiles, the person across from us, the sunsets, the rain, and us. He is the holder of all beauty and we need to just dance around barefoot and thank him for being the God of joy.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Brokeness

We watched a movie yesterday in Counseling and Psychotherapy about a man named Harry who was a self-abuser. At the end of the documentary one of my classmates raised her hand and said that he scared her and that she could never work with someone like that (to clarify this statement she meant someone who beat himself to the point where he had deformed his face). My thought was we all self-abuse. Don't we all rip ourselves apart on the inside for one reason or another. Some people externalize their pain, but we are all self-abusers and self-destructive. And I think the private self-abusers that surround us scare me more then Harry.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Realization

What I was originally going to write this post about was a realization that I had during worship tonight. But honestly, I will get there in a minute. As I sat down to type this post I had a more important thought that is in conjunction with an email that I sent my friend earlier tonight. There is a large debate about worship raging through my school right now and the question being asked is how to make worship less individualistic. The general conciseness is to push for more songs that say 'we and us' v. 'I and me'. That is great but words don't create community and corporate worship. So I challenged my friend to think of different ways to create these two things authentically without using music at all. I reminded how well this entire situation fits into the story behind the song "The Heart of Worship"
I bring this up because as I started to type this post I caught myself saying that I had a realization tonight during worship. How wrong. Shouldn't my life be an act of worship? So tonight while I was singing a song, a lyric touched me. And I want to in act this lyric in my life now - that is the act of worship. The lyric was "Though none go with me, still I will follow". I'm reaching the point in life where I am branching out on my own. And my support systems cannot follow me where I am going. I am blessed to be going to Australia next fall for my last semester of school, and my best friend is going with me. How amazing. But the rest of my support system will not be going. Life after that is pretty up in the air right now, but I am going to have to say goodbye to many people as I pursue whatever avenue of ministry I am going into. And that created an almost paralyzing fear in me. But its okay if I go alone - I am called to look ahead and not side to side or back. If I keep looking forward I will see the face of God and I am going to run after that. And no one may be recognizably beside me, but I have prayer warriors behind me and my LORD ahead and that's all that matters. Still I will go.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Prayer

Father God -
Can I really even be considering this? What is Your will for my life? Can I pack up and go that far? Far from the familiar. Far from my support system. Am I not counting on you to provide? Am I putting myself before You again? I hate it when I do that! And I desire not to. I'm just so afraid. Am I smart enough to even try? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Where do YOU want me?
I pray for peace.
Your child,
Michelle Rene

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Do you ever really know what to do in life, or do you just hope that you don't end up completely shattered?

There are certain aspects in life that I am just completely passive in - which is against my personality. It's like I'd have to acknowledge this fragile side of me AND risk breaking if I move beyond being passive. But if I just sit back and ignore this part of me or desires that I have then I'm denying a piece of myself that God has created and possibly missing out on huge blessings.

I'm so confused.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

LISTEN TO THIS!!!

Go to this website:

http://ginghamsburg.org/sermon/resources/2007_02_25_Video/141/

This is amazing!

World Changer


And we've reached the end of my commentary on Shane Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution. Shane is actually coming to school next week and I'm pumped. This book has changed my thinking patterns and has challenged me so much. If a book can do that, how much more can a living breathing human being? However, I'm not going to lie, in certain ways this book has really messed with my head as well. As my friend Jon put it, "That book will mess with your head." With that I leave you with my concluding thoughts.


“We are not a neo-denomination because we are not trying to spread a doctrine or theology. We are not even trying to spread a model of community. We are just trying to discover a new (ancient) kind of Christianity.”
I'm a religion major. I live and breathe theology. This study definitely has it's place; sometimes in the midst of the church you discover a theology that helps realign you back to what you believe. But more often then not, theology leads to steering people away from the church, and that is not what God intended it for. There is a danger in nixing doctrines and theology and many people are not centered enough in their faith with Christ to take this journey. It is not for the light hearted or the weak in faith. It involves you having the faith of a mustard seed IN CHRIST. This is the Christianity of love and reaching out to the world around us and believing that we can actually change it. It is the Christianity of the Bible, lovers of God and his love letter to his people. Are you ready for that kind of Christianity? Because the world is crying out for it again.

“We must neither get used to the darkness of human suffering of fall asleep in the comfort of the light."

God has not created us to be apathetic towards human suffering. In fact I think he grieves over our complete lack of concern for our fellow man. We are so caught up in the supposed blessing of comfort that we ignore those around us or even more appalling, blame them for not being comfortable like us. The funny thing is, God is the author of history and he has handed it to us in the Bible. If we look back to the OT God never let his people get so caught up in their comfort that they fall away from him or destroy one another. At the point where their focus diverged from loving God and loving one another the blessings had to go. Is our time coming? Will this generation wake up to the suffering cries of our brothers and sisters around the world? Next door? Or will we just flip the TV channel when we become too disturbed by what we see?


“If you have the gift of frustration and the deep sense that the world is a mess, thank God for that; not everyone has the gift of vision. It also means that you have a responsibility to lead us in new ways. Recognizing that something is wrong is the first step towards changing the world”

I am frustrated. I am searching for an answer. And I've never seen that as a blessing before reading this book, but it is. I am to call people out of their comfort zones and make them stand face to face with the world that God has created. Call them to look into the eyes of the children of God and laugh with them, weep with them, smile with them. Call us to step into the world and change it with the vision of God's love and grace. Are you ready to join me? The task will not be easy. I'm not even sure what it looks like. But I'm willing to take the first steps towards reclaiming this world with the love of God and discovering the rest along the way. The road will be hard and we are going to be living under the title of "Dangerous Christians". We will be the active hands and feet of Jesus again without concern for ourselves. We will forgive and love and show grace until it breaks our hearts of stone and then do it again. Are you ready tor join us? Are you ready for us?

Saturday, March 3, 2007

“Sometimes I wonder, amid our crowds, if we are really preaching the gospel.”
Should we try to make the gospel a popular message? When did the gospel even become popular? I've been dwelling on this idea of dangerous Christianity as of lately. What is dangerous is rarely ever popular. But somehow over the last 2000 years, the Christian faith has become less dangerous and more passive. It has become less about giving of ourselves and more focused on what we can receive. I think if Jesus was here today and heard the health and wealth gospel we would have another one of those temple experiences where Jesus just starts overturning tables in the church saying, "You have corrupted the message of my Father. You have become self-centered and have lost sight of my people." I really like Clairborne's idea that if we preached the authentic gospel of Christ that the numbers in church would probably diminish. This means a lot to me as I approach the pulpit.

“The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community [even if their intentions are ever so earnest], but the person who loves those around them will create community.”

This was by far the hardest statement for me to cope with through out the book. I want so badly for community to exist at my school, but sometimes I think I spend too much time trying to create what's not there that I forget to see what is there. It's a fine line between seeing beauty and affirming what is present and pressing for change.

“There is something precious about corporate worship, but corporate is whenever two or three of us gather with God…Perhaps we are just as likely to encounter God over the dinner table or in the slums or in the streets as in a giant auditorium.”

This is another thought that I've been having lately. Where have I seen God this past year? When are the moments over the course of my life that I was undeniable in the presence of God. Mostly they were during acts of corporate worship, but only if you extend the definition of worship to how we live our lives on a daily basis. Times like sitting with Cate at Creation as three shooting stars grace the night sky. Or watching the sunrise from my living room window. Holding and praying for a newborn infant at CHP. Watching Shane play with a student in Russia. Crying out to God in the Garden in Israel. Dipping my feet into the Jordan River. Sitting with Ash on the Skislope. Walking in the rain. Arguing theology with Shane last semester in the chapel. They may not have been moments inside the walls of the Church, but God WAS present. I have no doubt.

“As we build our buildings, human temples are being destroyed by hunger and homelessness.”

I recently was enlightened by a pastor on the ABCs of the Church. Attendance, building, and cash. How sad, but true. One of the reasons I admire the open door so much is because they focus more on the people in the building then the thought of owning a building. How in good conscious could a church choose to shell out thousands of dollars each week just to maintain a building while the people around us are dying? Does God weep at our mixed up priorities?

When we cry for our neighbor...

“Kids themselves from sweatshops came to speak. I listened as a child from Indonesia stood to share and pointed to the giant scar on his face. “I got this scar when my master lashed me for not working hard enough. When it began to bleed, he did not want me to stop working or to ruin the cloth in front of me, so he took a lighter and burned it shut. I got this making stuff for you.”
Have you ever took time to actually think about the cost of what you buy? Is it really worth this? Can you be happy about what you bought if it caused this? Are we really THAT self-centered. I pray that we aren't.
http://www.sweatshopwatch.org/
http://www.coopamerica.org/programs/rs/index.cfm - what are YOU buying that causes children to suffer?

“Some of us have spent so much time fighting what we are against that we can barely remember what we are for.”

But maybe this is okay. I really go back and forth. We all desire to describe ourselves as what we are but maybe when we describe ourselves as what we are not it's enough. Maybe distancing ourselves from what we are not is enough to set us apart and motivate us to live life.

"Who will stand and rise against injustice?Take up the cause of the unwanted ones?Who will stand to fight against us?We live, we fightWe live, we dieWe fight for love"
- Disciple - 'Fight for Love'

Extremists for hate or love?

“When people heard the word ‘Christian’, they stopped in their tracks. I will never forget their responses: “fake,” “hypocrites,” “church,” “boring”. One guy even said, “used-to-be.” I will never forget what they didn’t say. Not one of the people we asked that days said “love.” No one said “grace”. No one said “community.”

I've been spending time thinking about what I want to define me. It's a hard question. And, honestly, the answer that has emerged has been even harder. I am CALLED to be a counter-culture Christian. I am to be a lover of God. A lover of people around me. A friend of mine and I have a joke that if we have children together, among other things they will be free love Christan hippie children. Why is this idea so funny? When did we become so cut off from one another that it has become inappropriate to extend our hand to each other in love? Or hug? Christ TOUCHED the world around him, so why aren't we? We are living in a society today that is calling to be touched. Babies can die if they are not touched enough in the first few months of life. God has created us so that touch is vital to our existence. I would argue that we all need to be touched. When did it become holy to avoid the people around us and have a hands off approach? I am to forgive and extend grace. It is not my job to decide who deserves grace. I can tell you the answer to that question. No one. Including me. Let that thought set in for a minute. NO ONE. Yet, God has given us grace anyway. Think about the parable of the servant who was forgiven his debt by his master only to turn around and demand to be repaid by a fellow servant. This, my friends, should NOT be us, yet it is. It's time for a change. Extend grace. I am to be involved in the world around me. I just read this poorly exegeted devotional from 1 Corinthians yesterday that said Paul is claiming that we will become messy and unholy if we interact with the world outside of the church. No. God did NOT fashion you and place you on this earth just so you can sit in your safe Christian circle until God takes you to Heaven. One of the phrases that is thrown around by Christians about themselves is that "I am an ambassador for Jesus Christ." The funny thing about ambassadors is that they are responsible for being in another society and representing the home nation. How are we doing? Are we interacting with society around us and accurately representing Christ? I am to be vocal in word and action. This does not mean saying whatever I desire. It means spilling Christ all over this world. I am to have a heart that beats and breaks with the heart of God. I am to strive for authentic community. I am to be the person that God has created me to be. So why is all of this so hard? Because it is calling me to be dangerous. It is calling me to be a radical every day. But doing anything less is straying from who God has made me to be.


“We’d rather teach the person a lesson of justice than a lesson of love.”

This line jumped off the page at me, mostly because of some issues that have emerged at school with a friend of mine who has to be punished for something that he has done. But the entire time, as the higher ups debate about how to deal with him, I've been asking myself where the hallmarks of Christianity are - love, grace, and forgiveness? I've been dialogueing with a few people about this and the reoccurring comment that my friend needs to be punished keeps coming up and I agree. But what if we are so focused on seeking justice that we are punishing someone more then God ever would. Is it still okay? Or is this some breed of sin all its own? And why do I have the power to punish a fellow Christian? Do I really have that right? I feel like Paul advocates for it, but I'm not so sure about Christ (we can talk about the distinctions between Paul and Christ that have become blurred some other day). I feel that if any aspect of the trinity punishes us it is out of love, not to seek justice for what I have done against them or I would be dead. Isn't that what I deserve? So if God extends his grace to me on a daily basis, why can't I extend that to my brothers and sisters in Christ? Why can't I extend that to the "secular" world? I am branded with love and it has changed my life. We need more people to look down at their hands and see the nail marks of Christ that cry "I forgive you and its enough".

“The greatest cause of atheism is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door and deny him with their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” – Brennan Manning

I recently wrote a paper where I claimed that a group of people that are usually considered to be a cult may be Christians. I don't know how I feel about writing that now. When I tell people the stance that I took in the paper they generally want to argue with me about why we to defend what Christian is. Yes, I agree we do. But I'd rather claim that this group of people are Christians because of their piety and love for people and Christ then the majority of people I see on a daily basis. I'd rather be associated with a group of people who are extremist for love and reach out to a hurting world then people who gossip and verbally tear each other down in the pew next to me right after praying.
In this same paper I made a statement that I haven't told very many people. "there are times that I wish that people would not have the view of "Christians" that is linked to other mainline denominations as well." I do not claim to have the exclusive piece of Christianity, rather over the last couple of weeks I've toyed with not being associated with Christianity as a religion at all. I would much rather be just a passionate lover of Jesus. Isn't that what a Christian used to be? When did we lose that? Can we ever go back?

“The only thing harder than hatred is love. The only thing harder than war is peace. The only thing that takes more work, tears and sweat then division is reconciliation. But what more beautiful things could we devote our loves to?”

Friday, March 2, 2007

Love our enemies

“The more passionately we love our enemies, the more evil will diminish.”
One of the haunting questions in society is always, 'Why is there so much evil?' What's sad is that the average person doesn't even realize how much evil there really is. They don't know about human genocide or people who go to war over water sources. They just know what they see in front of them.
Even so, there is still an overwhelming amount of evil. But my question is how much of this evil do we create? This was very convicting for me. I do not love ALL my neighbors. Yes, I am passionate about most people but there are still some people who really get underneath my skin. Some I have justifiable reasons for disliking but others I don't even know...But by disliking that person am I just perpetuating the cycle of evil in the world? If a place in my heart burns against someone, isn't that a place that is blocking out God? And when I block out God and dislike this person it's really like I am shouting at God "Hey, you screwed up on THIS one". How untrue! God cannot screw up and he does not botch up. He has created us each as individual masterpieces. I need to look for God's workmanship inside each person I see. When I find that piece of God I need to claim and affirm it. For when I see God I can no longer hate or even dislike.
This does not mean that I am to be everyone's best friend, but I at least need to respect who God has made them to be. When we start looking for and finding God's fingerprints on the soul of others, seeing them as children of God, evil MUST diminish.

“Never forget that you are beautiful, just like everyone else. And never forget that you are a fool, just like everyone else.”

Where did Christians get this idea that disliking themselves is Biblical? And further then that where did they get the idea that they need to punish themselves in order to be acceptable to God? So much of the brokenness in the world comes from society telling us that we are not good enough and CHRISTIANS claiming that just like everyone else only trying to put a Biblical spin on it. Aren't we called to be different and not be defined by the world. We need to start looking each other in the eye and telling them that they are beautiful children of God and that we love them, faults and all. It's time to redefine ourselves by who we really are and who created us. Because just as it is wrong to tell God that he screwed up on someone else it is equally as wrong to tell God that he screwed up on you and that you are just not good enough,

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Dangerous

“Christians should be troublemakers, creator of uncertainty, agents of a dimension incompatible with society.” – Jacques Ellul

“I am convinced that if we lose kids to the culture of drugs and materialism, of violence and war, it’s because we don’t dare them, not because we don’t entertain them. It’s because we make the gospel too easy, not because we make it too difficult.”
I think if you asked my closest friends, "dangerous" is not a vocabulary word they would use to describe me. In fact, just by looking at me anyone would think that I am the most unintimidating person ever. I stand 4'10'' and pretty much look like my friends children when I stand next to them or sit on their lap or they swing me around. None the less people have told me that I am intimidating. At first, this really upset me. I used to be really concerned about making other people comfortable until I entered college. Then I ran into life and realized that it isn't supposed to be safe and comfortable. Life is meant to be lived and it is our given time to be challenged. And if I can be used to challenge people then so be it. Sometimes other people need to be hit with life as well. As a result I ended up emerging from my cocoon as this little firecracker who will go off if need be, not in a mean way, but in a blunt and forceful way none the less. Everyone generally knows what my opinion is on large issues on life - it isn't a secret.
Driving down to NC I was thinking about how some people see Christians as passive and boring. My life is a far cry from boring. The lives of those around me are a far cry from this as well, so where did this perception come from? Complaisantancy. The people I surround myself with are not complacent people. We don't just sit around. We read and discuss and dig around in the mess of life and extend the hand of Christ to those who have fallen. We LIVE life. Life is meant to be lived. Christ LIVED life. So if we are called to be Christ-like what do you think that means? It does not mean being passive because Jesus was active in the lives of others.
Here is a thought - living life is its own entertainment. In fact, if you truly place yourself out there for others you are probably going to end up with more then what you counted on. Seriously though, teach the youth to be part of each other and to be part of this radical and dangerous thing that Christianity is. Show them what it was in the Bible - how Christians were stoned, chased out of town, breaking the rules of the religious leaders, being surrounded by thousands of people, SEEING THE RISEN CHRIST, healing people. And if this doesn't shake them - which when did the text of the Bible stop exciting us??? - then show them what Christians are doing outside of America today. Healing people, helping the deathly ill die with dignity, touching leapers, being stoned to death, having to hide churches because of persecution. Maybe we need to be persecuted again in order to make Christianity in America mean something...or maybe we just need to start looking outside of ourselves and living dangerously again.

Radio -Pt 2

Today on the radio we had a Christian station on. And there was this song that caught me off guard. It was talking about the singer's relationship to God and he said "You {God} stole my heart." What is the definition of stealing? Isn't it taking something that isn't ours? So how can God steal our hearts, because don't they already belong to him?