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My heart beats for love. I want to be different. I want to be who I am called to be. WORTHY and LOVED!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

"Hear Me" (Take These Tears)

Take these tears, put ‘em in a bottle.

Don’t let these tears I cry be in vain.

Take these tears, keep them up in heaven.

Water my life with tears like rain

The past few weeks have been rough. A lot has been happening that has made me reflect on my purpose and call in life. In reflecting upon my past year in ministry, I cannot help but wonder if all of the opposition I’ve been facing is because I’m not where I am supposed to be.

Hear me, hear my words unspoken,

Restore my faith in hopin’

Hear me, I am feeling broken I am broken open.

Pain has never had a universal meaning in my life. Sometimes its to try me and show me my own strength. And other times it’s a sign to move on. But I rarely can identify purpose of the pain in the moment. It is only in retrospect that I can see God’s leading and presence.

Take this life, turn it into something,

I’m afraid it’s just wasting time

Recently, I’ve been feeling like what I’m doing isn’t bearing fruit. When I start to reflect on times in my life when I have felt like my life has been used for something the most, it is not in this setting. That does not mean that God isn’t using this time – it just means that I’m not seeing or feeling it. Which could be blocked by my own exhaustion.

Turn this life the sun has ripened, grow it slowly on the vine.

Turn my tears into wine

Turn my tears into wine, turn these tears into wine

My prayer recently has been for clarity and direction. I don’t want my life to simply just be marking time. I want to make a difference. And if that means moving outside of my training and comfort zone I need some confirmation beyond my dis-ease.

All that’s left of me are traces.

Make me stronger in my broken places

I am feeling moved towards another unit of CPE. I’m feeling moved towards non-profits. But I’m also feeling moved to stay. To keep trying. To not run away. But I’m not sure if I’m blocking myself in by the expectations of myself and others. I don’t want to stay out of fear, but I don’t want to flee in fear either. So direction. And making all of my ministry fruitful, even when I cannot perceive it.

So may this song be my prayer.

Lyrics from: Jim Brickman – "Hear Me" (Take These Tears

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Rent

Last week I went to see the musical “Rent” off-Broadway with Cat. Normally I tweet from the shows that we go see that are primarily quotes. This time I tweeted questions for the church that arose from what I saw.

When Rent came out as feature film a few years ago there was some notable resistance from the church. Of course the people who were pushing back apparently never saw the show because what they made it out to be was very different from how I perceived it.

Rent tells the story of a group of friends in NYC struggling with issues of surviving with HIV and AIDS in the early 1990s. My mind could not cease from going back to some of the comments that were flung around after Hurricane Katrina where religious leaders said the natural disaster was God’s wrath upon “the gays”.

Rent reminds us that we can’t really group people into categories because we miss the beauty and uniqueness of each person. In my theological language its about seeing the God piece in everyone.

Not surprising, I cried at the show. A lot. The tears started when one of the main characters, Angel, died from AIDS. Angel was the drag queen that taught everyone in the show how to authentically love those around them. And the tears did not stop when one of the straight characters was asked what he was running away from – and he replied that he was running from all of his friends who are dying because he is going to be the only one left.

What does it mean to the church that the person who taught everyone to love was a drag queen – someone who most churches would marginalize if not turned away. A clergy friend told me recently that she learned how to love most from a reconciling congregation, but she still would not embrace “them” to be clergy. She missed the picture – the beauty of God that was trying to be shown to her.

The show brought up some of the following questions that I ask you to reflect on:

Who taught you to love well?

Do you truly accept people as they are?

How would you live if you knew that this was your last year on earth?

How would you live if you really had no day but today?

Rent told real stories. Fictional accounts of the reality of so many – impending death, fear of losing loved ones, poverty, living life as best as you can in the moment. And for too many churches there isn’t a safe space to tell these stories without judgement. To learn to love from those whom we encounter.

In addition to the questions the show renewed in me the desire to work for hospice – to simply be those who are losing those ones dear to them and their very life, their source of love. There is something beautiful and true about being in community in the messiness of life. What are you called to do with your life?

Monday, July 25, 2011

Who Is God for You?

When I started seminary the things that frightened me the most was the inclusive language policy. This policy, held by the school, stated that we would intentionally try to use neutral language for God in order to allow all people to express and experience God for themselves. Now what once frightened me the most has been transformed into one of the things that I found to be most sacred about my seminary experience. I was given space and permission to fully experience God as God revealed the Holy to me. And this was transformative.

This past week and in the upcoming week I’m taking a class that is very different from the rest of my seminary classes in that the inclusive language policy is not being emphasized, and I’m finding it to be so limiting. God is being defined by so many people in the same way that when my definition doesn’t seem to fit, which makes me doubt myself. By not being neutral we are imposing something on to others.

One of the reasons I’m so protective of this concept, this space, is realizing that it was abused before. One of my earliest memories of God is from a pockets magazine/ devotional book for children. The story was about Tommy, a little boy who was going to church with his parent. It was a white chapel with a steeple and they were walking into it while the sun was rising. But in the upper right hand corner there was what I thought was a picture of God. It was a white man with whispy brown hair, a long sleeve white shirt, and a red tie. I was sure that it was God. (I now realize it was the boy thinking about his dad, in a thought bubble. But as a result I always thought that was God – that was what God looked like.

Part of what is so hard about Christian education is that we all come with different images of God that we assume to be the truth. We also come with different levels of faith development. So how do we start having conversations about who God is while excepting that this we are each different in our development and each have a different view of God. So who is God for you? And can you accept that this is only a limited view? Are you willing to let others influence your view of God?

Monday, July 18, 2011

Reliving High School

Looking at my DVR Scheduler recently I realized how many shows I like that are set in or around high school life: One Tree Hill, Switched at Birth, The Secret Life of the American Teenager, Gilmore Girls, Beverly Hills 90210, Glee, etc.
I think that I watch these shows with religious zeal because my high school experience was so horrible. Some of the things that they pose on the tv shows as outlandish actually happened to me. Don't even ask about prom. Or teasing. So I relive these times, hoping that they will end better for the characters on the show. And when they don't, I cry. And perhaps I cry for myself in that as well, mourning a time I never want to go back to.

What Matters Most

I recently took a trip to FL. While there one of the students I went with told me that I am non-opinionated. It made me laugh. I think what he meant to say is that I do not have opinions about certain things - I like lots of TV shows, music, and books. At the end of the day, I have strong opinions about things like peace, justice, and love. What do you have strong opinions about? Does it all truly matter?

What are You Sowing - Matthew 13: 1-9, 18-23

Last week I was at The Wesley Foundation in Gainesville, FL where I heard this passage preached. Prior to leaving, I adjusted my preaching schedule because I knew that I also wanted to preach on this passage, but Pastor Dave, whom I heard this past Sunday made a great point before beginning his sermon – is there really anything new to say about this passage?

This is one of the only parables where Jesus breaks it down for the disciples step by step. Usually the parables were left as mysteries, something for the disciples to uncover with their own insight and experience over time. But here Jesus tells them, and us, what the parable means. Which sort of takes all of the fun out. However, just because Jesus interprets this parable for us, it does not mean that it does not have something to share with us today. In fact, that is one of the amazing things about scripture, that perhaps makes it so controversial. God speaks through scripture to people in a variety of ways and can use the same piece over and over again to meet us at different points of our lives in the different ways. This is why the lectionary is in a three year cycle – because it is believed that the same scripture can be preached time and time again and both the pastor will have different insights from their own experiences and the congregation will be able to relate to it in a new way. Its also why, as Methodists, we believe in approaching scripture with our reason, experience, and tradition – because each of these elements vary for different people and God can use that to speak to them in new and bold ways. So I would invite you to put aside what you already know about this passage and listen to it with new years, and allow God to move in you afresh.

A woman went out to plant. While she had planted flowers in her flower bed and fruits and veggies in her garden many times before, she decided to do something new. So she went out and instead of carefully placing each seed into a particular place in the ground, she threw them into the wind. As the wind carried them, some landed on the beaten path. Because there wasn’t any covering for the seeds they were quickly snatched up by birds seeking food. Some of the seeds fell on rocky ground – shallow soil displaced by rocks. While the seeds could be covered they sprang up too quickly – because there wasn’t any place to set their roots and seek the nutrition they needed. As a result they could not pull moisture from the ground, and the sun killed them instead of helping them grow stronger. Still other seeds drifted among thorns, and because there was no way to cut the thorns away, the seeds were in constant competition for what they needed. They ultimately were choked by the thorns and did not bloom into the fullness of life. But then some seeds settled on good, furtile soil, and bloomed in an unexpected and unpredictable way. While the best crop that could be hoped for was possibly seven-times that of the seed, they grew thirty, sixty, and a hundred times more abundantly. This would feed a village for a year and let the farmer retire, respectively. They were able to feed so many and continue the cycle of life.

I am not much of a gardener. Our one attempt as a family had a pitiful yield. The carrots were no bigger then the size of my finger and many of the other crops never bloomed. But even if I can’t garden well, I do understand one of the main pieces to a good garden – rich soil. For the past few years I have been fascinated by composting. The ability to take things that we normally discard – like vegetable scraps, and mix them with wood chips or leaves to form something life giving. Or taking the manure of animals and spreading it on the ground to bring about something bountiful in yield. One of the chief things that I struck me about this passage is that in order to be sown in good soil, to hear the word of God and understand it, and to bear fruit beyond our wildest imagination, we need a little manure in our lives. That is to say sometimes life seems to pile crappy things upon us, things that we wound rather avoid. But in these things, my friends, we find the fertile ground for fruitful discipleship. How are we going to respond when we seem to be buried in things that are unpleasant and beyond our control? Are we going to give up? If this is the case, we are just like the seeds that were scattered in places that could not bring life. No. We are called to bear those things that we find ourselves in. To take the things that most people avoid or throw away and find the life giving parts of them.

Do not misunderstand me. I am not attempting to make light of our trials and suffering. However, sometimes we need the messiness of life to cover us, so we can grow in our relationship with God and bring about fruit for the Kingdom. Something that I have realized lately is that my prayer life is never better then when I am in times of trial. When life seems the most suffocating, I am at my closest to God. Perhaps this is human nature. We more readily turn to the Holy One when we are at our wits end and know that we need to relinquish all control because we cannot make it through a situation on our own. So maybe, just maybe, we need those trying times in life because they draw us closer to God. We need a reminder that we are not the center of the universe. That we need someone more powerful then us to redeem our situation and bring about something amazing. What if we began to look at trials as a source of grace? As something that could be used for something bigger then us instead of simply writing them off as unnecessary?

While the original title of this sermon was “What are you Sowing?” these thoughts about soil lead us to ask a different question – how are you responding to the circumstances in which you find yourself? How are you responding to being sown? For surly the good news of God’s grace is taking root in you if you are growing in discipleship. In order to take root and blossom we need to work towards understanding, taking care of our spiritual journey, and preserve through the painful times. Growing, beloved, is hard work no matter what soil you find yourself in.

The truth is that we are not seeds scattered into the wind, because we have agency. We may have found ourselves on any of these soils at some point in our lives. Know this, the soil in and of itself is not bad, for we cannot always be in rich yielding soil. When we came to know Christ, perhaps we were amongst the thorns or on the rocky path. We have the ability to move from one soil to another – we can move from the rocky soil or from amongst the thorns into the good soil with intentionality. Far too often I think Christians have used this passage to condemn those who are not in the good soil, but to do so is not being honest. For we have all had times in our lives when we have not yielded for God as much times as we could have. Times when we have just attended Sunday services and not sought to grow deeper in our relationship with Christ outside of the sanctuary. Times when didn’t want to do the hard work of telling others about God’s grace and mercy. Times when we thought of ourselves instead of the body of Christ. These are the times when we may have found ourselves choosing not to be in the good soil, because it was too risky.

But there have been other times when we have chosen to move from our present circumstances into the rich soil. Times when we hungrily dug into the Bible beyond one hour a week on Sunday and practiced spiritual disciplines to grow in our faith. Times when we trusted God enough to tithe. Times when our prayer life was bigger then ourselves and when we invited others to come and know the grace that we have experienced. It’s times like this that we understood that anything worth having is worth taking a risk for and the bigger the risk, the bigger the yield.

As seeds, or those being sown, we need to consider what soil we will risk ourselves to be in. But there is another way to think about this parable today and that is from the vantage point of the sower. In this parable, the person sowing the seeds throws them into the wind trusting a force beyond their control to plant them. What a beautiful picture of the reckless abandon of the love of God and the trust that we put into God as the person sowing the seeds of the gospel.

For a while I attended a church that was amazingly methodical about the way they went about evangelism. The researched the area they lived in, pulling up demographics. And they told people to pick one or two people whom they would invest in for the kingdom of God. There efforts paid off for a while, as the church began to grow. However, I think today’s passage of scripture asks us to do something so much more. It seems to call us to love all, spreading the word of God wherever we can, and not be worried about where the seed may land or what it may yield, for that is in the hands of God. The parable challenges us to change our thinking – from being overly methodical in how we share the love of God and whom we offer it to (because we don’t want our efforts to be wasted on the three-fourths of soil that don’t yield fruit) to sharing the love of God everywhere, knowing that the yield and the timing are beyond our control. This, brothers and sisters, is faith. For really there is no way of predicting what will come of our desire to share God’s grace with others – its all about trusting God. And that is a huge risk.

At the end of the day, as the sower, we cannot prepare the soil of other people’s hearts and lives for the love of God. Some people are simply going to reject the message of Christ, and we cannot control that nor does it mean that we did anything wrong or that those whom we are witnessing to are bad people. We are simply called to love as broadly and boldly as possible., which is never a waste of our time or resources. However, as the seed, those in whom the word of God is sown, we do have a choice – a choice of what soil we find ourselves in at any given time as dictated by how we respond to our circumstances. In this duel calling of being the sower and the seed planted in soils we find our story today. But both have the same message for our lives – to risk ourselves for God so something amazingly abundant can take root. For nothing is too difficult for God and there is no place where God’s love cannot reach and transform lives. May we be faithful disciples, in whatever our circumstances, and with whoever we meet.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Creation Vs. Wild Goose

A few weeks ago I took a week of vacation to go camping in NC for the Wild Goose Festival. Wild Goose, or The Goose, sadly got a lot of poor press before I went down from different people and groups that didn't understand its purpose. The festival started off as a dream that took 25 years to become a reality. It is the US version of Greenbelt, a festival of art, music, and justice, that has been active in the UK for over 40 years.

So where did the controversy come from? Well, a little bit of everywhere. Some of the most dynamic and controversial Christian speakers were brought alongside artists, musicians, spiritual leaders, and justice ministries. Any time you get a group together like that someone is going to talk. But it also had to do with a different type of conversation that was happening - a conversation about reconciliation as we move into the next awakening in Christianity. The next reformation. And that is scary. We are not a people who like change, so we resist those who speak openly about it.

While I was camping, I could not help but compare the event to Creation Fest, which is held in PA each year. Perhaps it was unfair to compare the two events, because they have different purposes. But even in the way that they were run, I was amazed.

Creation: Has a set schedule.
Wild Goose: Was more free flowing.

Creation: Invites people to volunteer to help the festival run, but to the best of my knowledge this is truly volunteer service.
Wild Goose: Took care of its volunteers. For working 12 hours during the festival, I received a free ticket, free camping pass, free showers, and one free meal per day.

Creation: For speaking about "Creation" is very wasteful.
Wild Goose: Had a "Not a trace" philosophy - where campers were to not leave a trace that they were there by recycling and composting as much as possible.

Creation: Has artists performing.
Wild Goose: Has "contributors", but everyone is equal. All camp together. All eat alongside each other.

Creation: As much as I love it, doesn't always have the best atmosphere. I remember one year, a group of us got yelled at because our blanket was encroaching on someone elses.
Wild Goose: It was hard to find someone who did not seek to serve their neighbor. Either through sharing communal meals, which was encouraged, to holding a strangers child while they took a shower, hospitality abounded.

Creation: Seeks to be a place where Christians can gather to experience God.
Wild Goose: Seeks the same thing, it just looks differently.

Creation: Can sometimes be perceived as being about entertaining
Wild Goose: Is about having open spaces for difficult conversations.

In closing, what spoke the most to me about the difference was the port-a-potty. Funny right? But someone once told me that how clean and accessible your bathroom is speaks volumes about your church. At creation, the port-a-pottys were often dirty and at night you could not see. Each port-a-potty at Wild Goose had a light installed so you could see at night. They were clean, never ran out of toilet paper, and had a hand washing station set up outside. Hospitality at its best, my friends.

This post is not to say that Wild Goose is better then Creation - for each has its purpose. Wild Goose is just aimed at a different part of the Christian movement. We really need both, and any other places, where Christians can go and grow their faith. Wild Goose just happens to be the right place for that transformation in me, at this time.

Monday, July 4, 2011

"It's OKay Discipleship Can Be Confusing" - Matthew 11: 16-19, 25-30

When most of us pick our major in college or career path, I would venture to guess that we do not choose something that utterly confuses. Perhaps we may pursue something that we find intriguing, but not something that we don’t understand. And yet, that seems to be what the disciples have done. Jesus called them and without any knowledge of what they would be doing or if they would understand what they were going to do, they went. Along the way they saw and experienced things that could not have been predicted – including the death of John the Baptist, something that shook their Rabbi, Jesus, to his very core. And they had witnessed Jesus perform miracles and teach powerful lessons about God, the kingdom, and the nature of humanity, only to then see his message be rejected. This is not what they expected.

They had seen other Rabbi’s, prophets, and sages throughout their lives – they had received predicted responses. Their teachings elicited what was expected – like music leading to dancing and waling leading to communal mourning, these other prophets spokes messages that lead people to be disciples. But this Jesus – he had a different more radical message about him being the very Son of God – a message that seemed to only elicit hate and rejection. All of this confused the disciples.

And what does Jesus do – he praises God for all of this confusion! He thanks God for hiding wisdom and truth from those whom the world reveres as intelligent and revealed the glory of God to those whom are considered the most unwise – infants. This reversal of wisdom and truth and reflection on who can claim ownership over it, is by God’s grace. Jesus goes on to praise God that he and God are the only ones who know each other truly and intimately. For in the chaos and confusion wrapped in his rejection on this earth, Jesus knew that there was one Heavenly Parent who knew him better then he could ever know himself. This was his hope to cling to in the times that the disciples were confused – knowing that God could be revealed to them in this intimate way as well – for Jesus could choose to reveal God to anyone.

But it is what Jesus says next that really strikes me. His disciples aren’t completely getting what he has been teaching or doing. They still don’t understand the connection that he has to God even though he is showing them time and time again. They are utterly confused. But Jesus says, come to me all of you who are weary from the world or carrying something that is not bearable. Come to me and I will give you rest. You may think that my yoke is heavy, but it is easy and my burden is light.

A few weeks ago we kicked off our discussion about discipleship by watching a video by Rob Bell called Dust. One of the things that Bell pointed out was that a yoke in terms of a Rabbi is not what we immediately think of. It is his teaching. Jesus is essentially saying this: come to me all of you who are weighed down by your own intellect and worldly wisdom and I will give you rest. Come all of you who are weary from things that you do not understand and seeking for that which you cannot find. I will give you rest. Take my teachings upon you, and learn from me. I am gentle and humble and in my presence you will find rest for your souls. My teachings are easy and the burden they place upon you is light. Come.

Jesus is essentially beckoning those listening to him to come and surrender all that is blocking them from truly knowing God’s grace. He wants them to respond to his invitation to discipleship fully by taking his teachings upon them and letting them dictate their lives.

So if Jesus teachings, his yoke, was so easy and being in his presence made burdens light, why were the disciples still so confused? Because they had not yet surrendered all. They were trying to reconcile Jesus’ teachings with the wisdom of the world and it just wasn’t working. The more they trued to make these two opposite entities fit together, the more confused they became. Instead of surrendering themselves to the countercultural and radical message of Jesus they just tried to keep moving forward as is, with the small addition of what Jesus was teaching them. And it was not working.

Before we jump to chastising the disciples, I think we need to take a look at our own walks with Christ – our own discipleship journeys. How many of us are also caught up in the wisdom of the world – seeking only to further our knowledge in what we already understand? How many of us try to make our faith in Christ fit with everything else we know and do, instead of letting Christ’s yoke overcome us and completely change our way of being and living?

Perhaps we can sympathize with the disciples’ confusion and tension, because it is similar to what we are experiencing in our own lives. It is hard to think of concrete ways to live out our faith when we are so caught up in trying to reconcile it with the way we live our lives currently. We want Jesus to be a convenient addition, not a radical reoncfigurement.

What if we responded to all of the ambiguities and unknowns of Jesus’ message with a radical Yes, instead of trying to think through all of the what ifs? What if we found our identity in what Jesus was teaching instead of who the world says that we are?

We’ve spent our lives seeking wisdom and intellect and pursuing success by the world’s standards – all of which Jesus seems to dismiss in today’s scripture passage. The road to unlearning who the world says that we are can be confusing and painful if we try to make it fit with who Jesus says we are. We are forced to choose brothers and sisters – will we be marked as disciples of the world or Christ? For rest and a light yoke are not offered to those who only partially follow Christ, but continue to rely on the strength of the world which they have built. Jesus is not offering us freedom for working in the world, but freedom from labor without meaning. He does not promise that the walk of discipleship will always be easy, but he does promise to be present with us. What will you choose today? Amen.