The Hard Lessons of Forgiveness for the Disciples - Matthew 18: 15-20

For some reason, Christians do not seem to fight well. Or perhaps most humans, despite their religious affiliation, don’t know how to fight well. But, as Christians, we should know how to deal with our disagreements with brothers and sisters in the faith, because Christ gave us clear instructions. And yet…

I have two friends. Both are Godly men. The first has been taught from the time he was little that the best way to deal with conflict is to ignore it. As a result, every time we had some sort of disagreement or he was upset at me for something, he would ignore me. Sometimes for weeks on end. And at one point in college, for an entire year. It was perhaps one of the most painful times in my life. Having someone so dear to me, ignore me, and refuse to tell me what I had done or said to prompt such a reaction. Ignoring conflict, actually only generated more suffering for both of us.

My other friend and I found that we both had the opposite approach to conflict. We wanted to lay it all out on the table and then sift through the verbal wreckage. This was equally as unhealthy as ignoring each other. But through time, we learned how to fight well. We would pull each other aside, if something was said or done that would hurt us. We would ask to speak privately later. At that point in time we would explain in an even tone, what happened and how it had affected us. The other person just listened. Sometimes they would respond, explaining their side of the event, but we always left covenanting to try harder next time.

I think Jesus’ advice to the disciples about how to deal with conflict say a lot without the need for words. For some deep truths lie in the assumptions behind what is being said. First, we have not learned how to fight well as a people. We have been raised in ways that impact how we interact with other people, especially when we become upset about something. For most of us, dealing with conflict has become our personal baggage. We have been abused, verbally, psychologically, or physically (sometimes without even really being able to identify it as such) and sometimes in our attempts to not replicate those patterns we do more harm then good. In order to avoid fighting with a person, out of fear of what may come of it, we ignore conflict completely and label it to be something bad.

Which leads us to the second assumption, conflict in and of itself is not a sin. And even those times when someone sins against you in such a way that leads to arguments or fighting, God can redeem both the sin and its results. Conflict is a time when we can truly learn from each other. It is also one of the most revealing ways to learn about someone’s beliefs and character. For example, the reason my second friend and I decided to learn to fight better was because of a realization we stumbled upon – we fight over what is precious to us. Often we assume that the other person we are engaged in conflict with knows deep truths about us that they often do not or that they understand the true meaning behind what matters to us and handle it with the same care that we do. When we realized that we fight over what is precious to each of us, we began to treat it as such. We also saw it as a holy moment – a time when someone who truly cares about our walk with God, can come along side us and speak truth into the dark places in our lives. When we stumbled into sin against another human being we were in relationship with, we needed that to be pointed out to us with love and grace.

Brothers and sisters, we are the church of Jesus Christ here on earth, today. Our relationships with each other should reflect this very truth. I think Jesus realized that as imperfect people there are going to be times when we screw up – when we don’t treat each other, as we should. When we gossip or lie about one another. When we share secretes that we shouldn’t. When we become angry about something that is said to us, by a person who may not understand the full impact their words have on our lives. But Jesus’ knows that we are called to be better then this – that he has given us the opportunity and the instructions on how to resolve conflict in such a way that brings honor and glory to the kingdom of God!

To Christ, each and every one of us matters. Each person who has ever walked this earth and who will come after us have value that is boundless. We need to be in the types of relationship with each other that show this to the world. We need to have relationships with our colleagues and the people that we meet on the street that reflects this. To Christ, none of us has the right to claim superiority over another.

So what does such a relationship that shines Christ’s love look like – when we have a problem with someone else in the church? If someone has done something to hurt you, you are to humbly pull them aside after praying about the situation. You are to talk to this person alone, and explain what the fault was as you understood or experienced it. If the person responds asking for forgiveness, you reconcile and move on. But if the person you sought to reconcile with refuses to listen, you bring another person into the conversation. A wise, neutral member of the body of Christ, so they can confirm what is being said and listen and respond with fresh insight. If your brother or sister still refuses to listen, then you bring the matter before the entire gathering.

Let us pause and take a moment to examine what Jesus is not telling us to do: Jesus is not telling us to approach the one who has sinned against us in such a way that alienates them. We are not to approach them yelling or cursing. We are not to discuss the matter with others before we approach them. We are not to enter into this time of reconciliation and healing in order to prove that we are right. We are simply entering into a space to be heard in such a way that may prompt future understanding.

And here is something that is hard for us to understand in our Western mindsets, if you are sinned against and not heard or if you are the sinner and refuse to listen, it does not give you an excuse to leave the church and seek another. This is hard for us to deal with, became in America, church is a voluntary fellowship that we join, and if things aren’t going our way, then we leave and find another church or swearing off Christian fellowship. Jesus instructs us to continue to interact with one another as we would a Gentile and a tax collector. These were people whom Jesus deeply loved and interacted with daily. He broke bread with them. He treated them with endless grace and dignity.

Why would Jesus take time to talk about conflict within the church, a concept that did not even exist yet in terms of our modern understanding? Because Jesus recognized the reality that we screw up, and that conflict between any members of the church doesn’t just affect them, but involves all of us. We are to reconcile not only for our own relationship with that person, but for the good of the entire body of Christ because we are bound together through Christ! And when we gather with each other, even if we are in conflict, Christ is in the midst of that as well, if only we call on his name.

Friends, we are the body of Christ on this earth to bring glory to the Kingdom of God by the grace of the Holy Spirit! Sometimes we let the pettiness of conflict consume us in such a way that fighting becomes what we identify church with, instead of this Triune reality. May we strive to be in better relationship with each other and with the world. May we take Jesus’ words to heart and make them our credo to live by in times of conflict. And in all circumstances, may we look to Christ, the one who has brought us together, to lead us to become the people we are intended to be – the people he sees us as, people of worth beyond measure.