Anger

For the past few days I've been reflecting on the emotion of anger. And the more I ponder it, the less I understand it.

I think being angry is a perfectly acceptable reaction, and sometimes it is even warranted. However, we need to have some true thought go into how we express our anger.

When I was in elementary school, the girls who got angry with each other, gossiped about one another behind their backs. As I grew older, friend who were angry with each other ignored one another. And we are not much better as adults. We have not learned how to deal with our anger well. It is as if we strive to hurt one another, just so someone else can feel a fraction of how we do.

When I was in high school and through most of college, I dealt with my anger by ignoring the person I had an issue with. I wanted them to know, through my absence, that they had hurt me. When I reflect on why I acted this way, it occurred to me that I learned it from a close friend who taught me, through his own actions, that ignoring people was a way to painfully punish them.

In graduate school and beyond, I've found myself shifting how I deal with my own anger. It has become impossible for me to be mad for more than 24 hours. If I'm mad, I ask to be excused from the situation to collect my thoughts. Sometimes I have a private outburst of crying or expression, but by the next day the issue can be discussed clearly. When I asked to be excused, I clearly state that I need to gather my thoughts so I don't speak with too much haste.

Recently a friend revealed to me that he deals with anger the same way. Neither of us can pin point who modeled this behavior for us, so perhaps we matured into it. However, it can also be clearly seen as avoidance, which neither of us believe that it is, but others who do not understand want something more from us - a verbal outlast in the moment or a prolonged seething attitude.

But what we've both realized is that life is too short to spend it angry. We discuss what makes us upset in our relationships so they can grow, not so we can yell at or punish another. And a lot of times, 24 hours is more then enough time to see our fault in the situation and to pray and have self-reflection so a more complete conversation can take place.

However, when the way you deal with anger doesn't match how another deals, friction can arise. Perhaps there are stages of dealing with anger that are like the stages of development. Perhaps they are learned or perhaps they are part of the temperament of our personalities, but whatever the case when people deal with conflict differently it is an uncomfortable situation.

Example: someone became angry with me recently because of an intrpertstion of what I said. I sincerely apologized. I did not make excuses for my behavior, but I did strive to put myself in her shoes to understand where she was coming from. But all she could do was repeat over and over again that she was angry and this is why. It was as if she wanted to argue or she thought I didn't respect the intensity of her anger. We weren't in conflict well because we didn't deal with it the same way.

When someone is angry with me I try my best to just listen. I do not make excuses for my behavior, because often when someone is yelling at me, I find that explanations cannot be heard. Plus by listening, I can fully take in another's perspective and learn something about them, and often something about myself as well. I can strive to examine how their criticism reflects an area of my life that needs growth. Often I am just quietly absorbing until I apologize, sincerely, and honestly promise to try better in the future. Then if an act of recompense is warranted I will act upon it.

But that's just me. I want to make sure not to transfer how I deal with conflict onto another in such a way that they cannot express themselves or they feel that their emotions are being diminished. Emotions are as uniquely expressed as the people who feel them. So the question becomes, how do we help each other express anger in a constructive way that benefits relationships and keeps us healthy? Do we need to change the way we deal with anger to appease another person? How can we, as a culture, learn how to make conflict constructive and express emotions for a specific purpose instead of simply to express them? And for my friend and I who try to deal with anger towards us and anger we feel with gentle hands, how can we help people understand that our calmness comes form a sincere place, not one that is ignoring the severity of the situation the other person feels?

Emotions are such a tricky thing, yet we have them and have to learn how to be in relationship with ourselves and others around them. Further, our emotions are so tied into our stories, what we have dealt with in life before, how we perceive the world, and what we view as important. So how can we be in authentic, grace filled conflict, without knowing each other well enough to know our stories that undergird what lead to this place?


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