Maybe This is a Start

This isn't going to make sense to many of you, and I guess in that vein in doesn't even make sense to me but....I've been spending a lot of time by myself the last couple of days. Like over 5 hours a day the last three days. Before you lecture me on stupidity trust me that I already get these bashings of concern, but its needed. I don't know if I'm hiding or trying to find a place of safety, but whatever I'm searching for cannot be found around Kingsley campus and needs to be found in solitude. A place where you can explore and heal.

I ended up having a very long and complex conversation with a friend last night about my many layers which just spiraled out of control into this thing of a conversation that took on a life of its own. He was encouraging me to let others bear my burdens. This struck me as such a funny concept the more I thought about it. In the Church we hold up this idea of bearing each others burdens, but that involves a mutual commitment, a commitment to be honest but also a commitment to be with that person until they have healed. This isn't for the light of heart. It may involve sitting up with someone night after night as they cry. It may mean noticing the reoccurring bandages on someone's arm. Or moving in with someone when they are sick or hurting. It is Love in the form of a continuous action well above prayer. It is the ultimate sign of family and living out "for better or worse" It's not something to promise to commit to if you know you aren't going to finish. That is the best way to break trust, to promise to be there to care about you so you open up and then walk away. I will not go through that again.

So for the time being, here I sit taking care of myself the best I can, because I still cannot trust to let others take on my burdens. So I run to the silence of being alone, and hope and pray and wait...