I’m tired. Like run down tired. I’m trying to work through all of my reading today – with about 140 pages left for the day I can no longer see straight. Blah. This will get done. This will get done.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about worship this week. Specifically can worship to God be forced or when it is forced does it loose what it is? Does it in a way become untrue and driven by the wrong motivations?
For example, when I sing or prayer just because everyone else is doing it in church, my mind wanders all over the place. In fact last night during a closing prayer in class that was dragging on I found myself thinking about completely different things, no matter how hard I tried to focus on what was being said. Or when I sing - I’ve learned to discipline myself enough to not sing when I don’t feel like it, or to take time to stop and reflect on the words even if I’m mid-way singing a song. As long as I am reflecting on that in my heart I think it is more meaningful they shallowly following along. And other times I do sing, out of this pure and untouched place, where I feel like God and I just collide. A couple of nights ago I was having a rough time and ended up finding a piano and just playing and singing. Unfortunately that spot was in the library, but fortunately no one was in there, because I had no idea how loud I had gotten until the last cord resolved and I was so tired because of the amount of focus and energy I had poured into one thing.
This discovery of pure and passion-filled worship has been a long process for me, most of my college career. I just got so sick of following the ritual without a heart. Let me clearly state that this not an attack on liturgy, I love liturgy and when it is used properly it can take us to this whole new place of focus in worship. This is more a lament on a lack of heart behind what we do and just participating out of obligation. I think service has become an obligatory act instead of seen as a passion filled act of worship. While many would not agree, I think we need to learn to say no to service sometimes as well. God has given us each gifts and talents that he wants us to use in his body and to worship him as we serve others. Yet, we become so focused on just doing things that we don’t take time to sit down and spend time with God and find our gifts so we can cultivate them. Once again, I’m not advocating for being passive, I’m advocating for actively seeking out God’s will instead of running yourself in the ground in the name of Holiness.
We’re supposed to be doing a required service project while we are here. I think that’s funny and sad. If service is an act of worship then we are trying to require worship. Does that hinder the natural flow or my motivation? Should it?