Painful Secret

So I'm very aware that this post is going to get me into all sorts of trouble but I think it still needs to be posted.

I concede that I am going to leave Houghton on June 2nd prepared to go on to obtain a master's degree. Whether that is because of Houghton as an institution or my own drive or possibly a combination is to be debated at a later time. But I really don't think coming here was worth it. Maybe if I would have stayed in Pittsburgh I wouldn't have this huge emotional wound that keeps breaking open.

I know his reasoning for what he did. At least what he's told me. And honestly it's crap. Did I grow and become less dependent upon him? Yes, most definitely. But at what cost? Not being able to think that anyone cares about me. Was what you did really worth it?

And this is not to attack him. I've forgiven him. But that doesn't mean that I haven't been impacted. And I don't still ache. He was probably the first friend I even felt cared about me for me and not what I could do for him. And then he broke his promise - he left me and crap hit the fan.

And now I suffer. I don't think anyone cares about me. Sometimes I cognitively think that someone cares about me, but I've never felt it. Maybe I just can't feel at all anymore. At least not about myself. Last semester I tried to recognize care again and it just didn't happen. There are a myriad of reasons why, but it just didn't. So this semester I decided that I wasn't going to let anyone hurt me. I didn't really talk about myself with many people and if I did it wasn't really everything that was going on. I loved people and didn't expect their love in return. I protected my heart and made it easy to leave.

But I saw yesterday this resonance of pain when I told two people that I just don't think anyone - including them cares about me. This isn't to prompt people to try harder or to say that I don't appreciate people in my life, but I most definitely cannot recognize care anymore. I don't know if I fear it or just don't know what I define as people caring for me. But I can't feel it. And that causes other people pain.

Stegen plays into all of this too. He has told me several times this past semester that I love more then anyone could ever love me in return. So I just stopped looking for that love in return. I poured myself into people not expecting or maybe even wanting to be cared about in return.

But yesterday, as my secret came out, it seemed wrong, almost sinful, but I can't point to what the sin is. I was thinking about it during chapel as well as we had a commissioning service. Doesn't it seem wrong to be so independent in ministry? Or has God just used situations to make it easier for me to do ministry?

I have no idea. I just don't want to be hurt again.