Being Lonely

  Last night, as I sat watching a movie and working on a cross stitch, I was struck by how lonely I was. And it wasn't just lonely in that moment, for it was something I have been feeling for quite some time. And it wasn't lonely from being alone in that particular moment, because I'm an introvert and don't mind being alone.
   No it was the overwhelming sense of loss over how I used to spend my time. If this would have been a Friday evening in high school I would have been with my best friends watching a movie and sharing DQ Dilly Bars. If it would have been in college I would have watched a movie with my two favorite girls, who were like my sisters, after sharing a home cooked meal. If it would have been a Friday in seminary, I would have cooked a meal with or for my friends. Yet, this Friday, and many Fridays since going into ministry full time I was alone.
   And that saddened me because there wasn't a choice to not be alone. I have no friends in the area. Which let me be clear is not to say that I don't have friends. I do. They just are (at the closest) over 2 hours away. Some of my congregation members keep insisting that they are my friends, but I don't feel that is true. While I do believe in the wisdom of intergenerational friendships, what I really need is someone around my age who I can be completely myself around, and alas that is not a congregation member. Looking back on some of my favorite Friday night memories with friends, these are not things I could see myself doing with a congregation member, which just leaves me feeling that friendship is more of a power move (as in I'm friends with the pastor or I know something about the pastor you don't or I got to spend time with the pastor) then an authentic relationship.
    As much as some people say they understand, I'm not sure you can unless you are in a profession that limits yours contact with people. Or a profession that has expected social ramifications. Or makes it so you can't go out on Saturday evenings. Or choose where you live so you can be closer to the people you want to spend time with. Or you have people telling you that you can't go to meetings out of town, let alone social events, because you need to be here "just incase".
   Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But loving your job and knowing that you are living into your call does not mean that you have to be lonely or that you have to have only the relationships that others tell you to have. I just don't know how to change it all.