Rethinking Conflict

Church Drama. It is possibly the part I truly struggle with being a pastor. Everyone wants to suck the pastor into the drama they are having with other church folks. Last week I preached a sermon to state clearly, no more. We are all going to get our acts together and start acting like the church - which means re-thinking how we do conflict. It can't be about winning or losing or who can get the most people to be sympathetic to their side of the story.

As a result I'm approaching pastoral care differently. I will listen to one person complain about another but then ask them two questions: 1.) Have you talked about this with an open mind to the other person involved? 2.) Is this worth fighting and dying for? If either of the answers is no, the conversation stops. I really want people tot try to work things out first amongst themselves, for how are we to learn mercy and grace, if we do not attempt to show it to other people? How can we learn to listen, if someone else is fixing our messes?

After talking with one of my lay leaders who is a trained counselor this week, we decided, if people cannot work things out amongst themselves, another wise, spirit centered, and neutral church member (we are referring to them as our "Switzerland"s) will help listen and birth words and life out of the drama. If this still doesn't work, then I get involved as the pastor. This is both for my own sanity, and also in honoring the UMC focus on lay-lead ministry. If we need the pastor to mediate our conflicts for us, what happens when I leave and a new pastor comes in? No, people who are together every year in and out, need to learn how to live together.

Today I was thinking about how we might have missed the mark by referring to churches as families - because honestly, families are dysfunctional. Period. I have a lot of friends who come from unhealthy families who only try to hurt each other, and I fear that is what the church has become. Perhaps another way to state what the church is could be life coaches/ partners/ sojourners. I'm not sure. But the intentional hurting of each other and backlash needs to cease.