Time

At school we have this third term in which you only take one or two classes for three weeks. I didn't think last year that I would be returning this year for a class and honestly I struggled with whether I really wanted to come. In the end I decided that it would be a good idea rather reluctantly.

So here I am, back at Houghton for another three weeks taking Spiritual Formations. I'm having some very mixed feelings about this class. It's an upper level theology class for minors and majors, but I'm the only major and by far have the most theology underneath my belt. I've also never had this teacher before and he just doesn't understand that you can mention on theological concept and my brain is going to make about five different connections that no one else would think of.

But these trials are trivial to the smack in the face that I got yesterday. We had to go on a two hour silent retreat where I realized that I have used time to constrain God. Here I am, God's creation using another one of his creations to put him inside of a box. The theme kept replicating throughout the day as I read Nouwen and we had chapel on Rob Bell's NOOMA series. I am not allowing God enough time to speak into my life.

I have always felt that it is a good thing that I am uber involved. Quit honestly, we have been raised to be overly involved kids. I cannot remember the last time that the three of us have not had different activities to be at, at least six days a week, and most of those were with or at the church. But I also know that since eighth grade I have used involvement as a crutch to avoid dealing with stuff that happens in my life. If you are busy enough then you just don't have to think about things; it seems like a productive use of time.

Yesterday I realized that by stretching myself so thin that I have missed a lot of opportunities to just be present and fully present at that, with God and his children. It is in there moments where my mind isn't thinking about what I should be doing or looking too far into the future that I see glimpses of God in people. It is also in those moments of being fully present that I can listen enough to hear the wisdom that God is trying to relay to me.

In short I have taken the blessings of drive and passion that are from God and have misused them. I ordered and controlled my life and my time to avoid pain, but caused some in the meantime.

I was also struck by the thought that I want this control in my life and over my time because I just don't think God cares or maybe I worry that he will give me the second best. This s so far from my concept of who God is that it looked irrational on the paper, yet that is how I feel. I think I have not expressed enough gratitude towards God for what I do have so I am having a hard time seeing the multitude of blessings.

I have no idea what to do with these issues of caring and time and being fully present and silence. I feel like God wants me on campus for Mayerm this summer as my wake up call. A reminder that I need to start getting some of this stuff together which I can only do through realizations and his grace.